I had a good conversation with a friend today.  I was at buffalo wild wings talking to her on the phone while drinking a tall glass of Blue moon.. hehehe!  She told me that she noticed i have been drinking more than usual.  I laughed and said I don't know what you are talking about. I was really honest about the response I gave her. I really did not know what she was talking about until I had a moment to think and look back at 2 weeks into my life.  I have been drinking more. To be more specific... last night i finished a bottle or red wine and also the day before that.  last saturday i went out with 2 of my best friends clubbing to celebrate my brithday.  I think i drank about 15 beers that night. 

She also said I'm probably thinking to much.  She thinks that I am magnifying my problems to the point where i gave it life. Because I gave it life I lost control and helped it evolve into pain.  She believes that I drink to numb myself from that pain.

I told her she is over reacting about this.  Then she said..... she wishes she over reacted with her father before he  passed away and maybe he would still be alive today.  Her father was an alcoholic.  He died because of the complications that came with his addiction.  I said I'm sorry about her father.  She then said.... I got though it with a lot of work and sacrifices, but if it happens again to someone I love and care about... I don't know if I could get through it again.

Our conversation ended by me saying I have to go cause my mom is calling.  She wasn't really calling.  Why did I do that?  I don't understand.  Why did I lie to her?  She is probably going to read this and I'm really sorry I did that.

Doing the right thing is always so damn hard to do. I have been trying to practice this type of living for the past 2 years now. I am proud of some of the things that I have accomplished and the people that i have helped. I am most specially proud of the relationship I built with friends and sad for the friends I've lost... not because of death but because of the lack of trust.

The only thing that gave me the drive to always try to do the right thing is to always remember that I am human. Even though I want to be perfect I know that I can not.

I still do stupid things. I still hurt the ones I love and care about... even though its not my intention. But I always try to make it right. I also know I should forgive people for what they have done to me... but it is not easy. Not because I don't want to do it... but its because I am not ready.

I love taking the easy way out to resolve my issues. When I say easy way out.... I mean whats going to make me feel good now. Just to temporally forget my problems. I pretty much just drug myself to forget about it and not deal with it.

I still have some of those bad habits... Not the drug part.... I don't do that anymore. But I am not going to sit here and lie that i haven't thought about it. I like to believe that I am stronger now because of experience.

When I speak of this to some people specially friends some of them tend to remind me of what I have done in the past. They make it seem like I can never change. Like its impossible or something. I almost believed them. But then I realize their lives are no better than mine. They have issues and they cover it by blaming other people instead of facing up to it. Some even hurt other people just so they feel better about themselves. OMG!! This sounds totally like me a couple years ago.

I think I have grown! My faith is stronger and the line I walk seems straighter. I've let a lot of damaging things go specially the things that i have no control of. I am closer to my family than ever and most importantly I have gained a lot of their trust back.

But even though it is wonderful now. The road I had to take was not an easy one. It is frustrating and the challenges are always a constant battle to be fought. But just like a lion in battle.... I have learned to roar!!

peace!!

Well I can't work so I need to do stuff that helps me from going KU KU for my cocoa puffs.. hehehe.  One of those things are watching filipino movies.  Since I got out of the hospital last month, I can honestly say I have watched over 10 filipino movies.  That is a lot for me. The filipino stores here don't really have that much selections and plus most of them are VCD's.  I hate VCD's!!  The quality sucks and every movie are in 2 disc.  It is annoying to have to change disc in the middle of the movie... specially when you are really into it.

I think time is  something that some people take to much for granted.  When I was working I always hope that I could go home and spend the rest of my days on my computer.  Now that this hope had become a reality it makes me wish I was back at work. Its not work that I miss....  What i miss the most is really the time and  the connection I had with my coworkers. I really felt more alive there than being here at home. I can see how bordom can change someone.  This change could be a  bad thing.  The worst is if you change into someone or something that you can't possibly be proud of. I think having a social life is very important... i think it is a life style. Well, not only that but I also believe having a social life is a part of survival. Friends and family provide a necessity that money can not buy.  They remind us of who we are and most importantly where we came from.  There is always someone in that circle that understands you and always knows when to give a hug.  There is always someone that gives the perfect handshake, the perfect kiss, the perfect compliment and the perfect constructive criticizm. These are the reasons why I always look forward to gatherings.  I love the familiar faces and I love the beginning of new friendhip. That to me is precious.

Last sunday was my stepsons Baptism.  Check out the pictures I posted on my previous blog.  It was really an honor to be there.  Baptism is such an amazing and wonderful event and the ceremonies are memorable. There were 3 other babies there and their parents were as excited as we were... hehehe!  Jayden (Baptism boy) was so cute and so adorable.  It brought tears to my eyes to see such a wonderful moment for all the parents... because I can still remember when Brandon was baptised.  It was one of those happiest moments in my life.  It is also an experience that I am hoping my son will share with his children one day.  I can only hope to live long enough to see that.

Well I am running out of stories to tell you.  It is 9:30am and I am still so sleepy so ill be going back to bed now.. hehhe!  Have a wonderful day!! peace!